War Damn and all that!

Late-night phone call

2008-09-18T11:00:00.011-05:00

It was 3 a.m. this morning when Les Miles’ phone rang.

Miles: Hello?

Tuberville: That you, Les?

Miles: What the …? Who is this? Do you know what time it is?

Tuberville: This couldn’t wait, Les. This is Tommy. Tommy Tuberville. We’ll be gettin’ to know each other real good real soon. You’re gonna be my beyotch.

Miles: Your what?

Tuberville: Beyotch! Damn, Les, get with it! This is 2008! The days of huge heads are over! Big ears are all the rage now! Big ears and the spread and the smell of toasted corndogs!

Miles: Are you on drugs?

Tuberville: Amped up on anticipation’s all, Les. I can’t wait to kick your lightweight hind end clear to Lake Charles on Saturday night! You seen my defense, Les? You best tell Harvard Boy Hatch that, as of Saturday night, he’ll have a new position. Fetal!

Miles: Tommy, I’ve seen your offense, too.

Tuberville: You haven’t seen shit, Les! You think I’m gonna waste a perfectly plump playbook on some rural Mississippi mutts? Nosiree, bobtail cat! We’ve had you guys in our sights since we licked the last drops of Clemson’s blood from our hands. Ain’t no last-minute miracle gonna save your ass this time. You really should’ve taken that cushy Michigan gig. Would’ve saved both you and Richie Rod a whole lotta hurtin’!

Miles: Tommy, I don’t underst --- …

Tuberville: Here’s all there is to understand, Lester. I’m in your noggin’ and there’s plenty of room for me to move around in here. In fact, Sen’Derrick Marks is up in here with me chillin’ til he can chomp down on a Hatchburger ‘bout 6:45 on Saturday. And, by the way, you are cordially --- ‘cause I’m a cordial kind of guy --- invited to Mario Fannin’s Coming Out Party. You’re welcome to wear your hat and, if you want, one of those pansy-ass purple shirts. It’s an all-purpose affair, so don’t be surprised if 27 runs over your Bengal butt, passes gas in your general direction and or throws you slam outta Jordan-Hare. I’ve got about 200 APY in mind, but Mario’s pretty pumped, so it could be more. Dude, you’ve been soooo punk’d!

Miles: Tommy, I gotta get some --- …

Tuberville: Sleep? Who are you kidding? You ain’t gonna sleep a wink with your pea-sized brain rollin’ around in that gargantuan hydrocephalic sphere atop your shoulders filled with thoughts of murderous blue bandits that shoot your wideouts and fondle your majorettes! You know, Les, gas is expensive these days. Why don’t y’all just stay at home? You’d accomplish the same thing, really.

Miles: (shaken, not stirred) Tommy, what’s this about?

Tuberville: I’m just being a nice person, Les. Letting you know what’s in sto’! See, I don’t lose to ranked teams at night in Jordan-Hare. It just doesn’t happen, Les. Call that bait-breath Gator down in Gainesville, Oscar Meyer or whatever his name is. Ask him. ‘Course I whip him anywhere, anytime. It’s sort of a hobby now.

Miles: Who you gonna start at quarterback?

Tuberville: Lester, I could start Lindsay Lohan at quarterback and it wouldn’t matter. You’re done! Toast! Blackened Bengal at my Saturday night picnic. God, Les, if you only knew how bad this is gonna be. In comparison to the fate I’ve in store for you, Abu Ghraib is a theme park with 17 rollercoasters! Tray Blackmon is merely amused by Trindon Holliday. Charles Scott makes Tez Doolittle snicker. Demetrius Byrd? He’s Jerraud Powers’ junebug on a string. Lee Ziemba can’t wait to clobber Tyson Jackson. It’s really simple, Les. Your ass. Our grass. My masterplan has worked devilishly perfectly! It’s time to dance! Pump up the Clifton Chenier, baby!!

Miles: Who in the hell is Clifton Chenier?

Tuberville: That's really sad, Les. Never you mind, Les. You need know one name and one name only. Mine. Tommy Tuberville. But, you know what, Les?

Miles: What?

Tuberville: Come Saturday night about 10 o'clock, you may as well call me Daddy!

Gimme the dead dude!

2008-09-18T11:00:00.008-05:00

West Virginia (-3) at Colorado.

"Almost Heaven" at "Rocky Mountain Way".

John Denver at Joe Walsh.

Denver (the singer, not the town) may be dead, but, last I heard, Pat White and Noel Devine were not. Colorado just seems so Little League with Cody Hawkins starting at quarterback for his daddy, the head coach.

So gimme the dead dude and lay the 3. After last week, a winner would be almost heavenly!

Ouch!

2008-09-18T11:00:00.003-05:00

Though the following few paragraphs will be tough to write, I guess I have to recap last week’s selections.

It was a painful weekend. My head still hurts.

On Friday night, I had South Florida -3.5. They won by 3.

I had Akron plus seven versus Ball State. The Fighting Lettermans won 41-24.

I had Graham Harrell and Texas Tech minus 36.5 at home against SMU. Texas Tech won, 43-7.

Kentucky (-13,5) missed three field goals and had another blocked as they stumbled past Middle Tennessee, 20-14.

And, to cap off the horror, Iowa (-13.5) stopped Iowa State inside the Hawkeye five-yard line to maintain its 17-3 lead. With time running out, the Hawkeyes ran the quarterback into the line three times to keep the clock going, then lined up to punt. With just over a minute left and up two touchdowns, genius Iowa Head Coach Kirk Frerentz has his punter run out of the end zone! Why in the holy name of Nile Kinnick would he do that up TWO touchdowns?!?!

To make my head hurt, I guess.

So, we lose two games by the hook and another because the head coach isn't smart enough to know that big money alums wager, too.

Frerentz is toast! Bank it!

So there you have it. Had it not been for UConn’s 45-10 drilling of Virginia yours truly would have been shutout last week. As it is, I was 1-5 and stand at 13-13 on the year and past due for some winners.

Pass the Tylenol.

Winners, winners, chicken dinners!

2008-09-12T21:37:00.003-05:00

Wow.

Another Saturday is already here. It's football time.

It's redemption time.

I've got five winners for you on Saturday. It's been a rough week and I'm tired, so, believe me, the homework's been done, but the writeups may be brief.

For entertainment purposes only, here are your chicken dinners for Saturday, Sept. 13.

Ball State (-7) at Akron: The Akron Zips win this one straight up. Take 'em and the points!

SMU at Texas Tech (-36.5): That's a huge number, but I think Texas Tech and Oklahoma are the class of the Big 12 this year. June Jones at SMU has a plan and he'll win some ballgames soon, but his guys ARE NOT ready for Graham Harrell and the Red Raiders. Lay the huge number and take Texas Tech!

Iowa State at Iowa (-13.5): Some guys are great assistant coaches but are either bad as head coaches or take the wrong jobs and find it difficult to succeed as a head man because of that. I'm not sure Gene Chizik wouldn't succeed at a better program, but things are getting rough for him at Iowa State. They'll get rougher when he loses big to in-state rival Iowa on Saturday. Take the Hawkeyes and lay the 13.5.

Virginia at Connecticut (-10.5): It's a sad commentary on the ACC that Connecticut is a favorite over Virginia. It'll be an even sadder commentary when the Huskies cover easily. Take UConn and lay the 10.5!

Middle Tennessee at Kentucky (-16.5): Sure, Kentucky lost Andre Woodson and Rafael Little. But Rich Brooks is still there and he's one of the most underrated coaches in college football. Rick Stockstill won't stand a chance in this battle of head-coaching wits. Take Kentucky and lay 'em.

Good luck on ya!

I'm bullish on USF!

2008-09-12T10:55:00.004-05:00

Okay, so if 3-4 is taking it on the chin, then I took it on the chin last Saturday. Still, at 12-8 overall for the year, we're hitting at a 60 percent clip.

And, after tonight and tomorrow, we'll be better off still.

Remember, it's all about the next game, and, right now, the next game is:

Kansas Jayhawks (2-0) at South Florida Bulls (2-0), 7 p.m., Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Fla. (ESPN2)

Last week, Kansas shut out Louisiana Tech, 29-0; Next week, the Jayhawks entertain Sam Houston State.
South Florida held off rival Central Florida, 31-24, last week in overtime; USF travels to play Florida International next week.

Vegas Line: South Florida -3.5

This is a mighty compelling game for a Friday nighter. Two ranked, unbeaten (albeit early) teams tangling under the Friday night bulbs that normally illuminate high schoolers on Sunbelters. But this one has Matt Grothe vs. Todd Reesing. This one has The Fat Man (Mark Mangino) vs. The Intense Dude (Jim Leavitt). This one has USF's All-World defensive end George Selvie still looking for his first sack of '08 and Kansas hitting the road instead of feasting on inferior opponents (Florida International was a 40-10 sac lamb to KU in its opener) in the friendly confines of Lawrence, Kansas. Speaking of which ...

Remember two weeks ago when Tennessee traveled to UCLA and lost to a pumped, but inferior Bruin club? Think UCLA had been looking forward to that one for a while? Well, USF opened with UT-Martin and then traveled to play a UCF club that it shellacked last season. Think there eyes have been on the Jayhawks for a while? Think maybe this nationally televised Friday night clash with a ballyhooed Big 12 team might have distracted them a bit last week?

I do.

I know Kansas has weapons in Reesing and receivers Kerry Meier and Dezmon Briscoe and running back --- and I love this name! --- Angus Quigley. I know Mangino can coach almost as well as he can eat and that KU has had its sights on this one for a while, too.

But I also know that USF is at home and it has more to prove. And Jim Leavitt will have his bunch foaming at its collective mouth when the clock strikes 7 p.m. tonight in Tampa, Fla.

Call it a gut pick if you want. But if you take USF and lay the points at about 10:30 p.m. tonight, you'll be calling it a winner!

Pickin' a September Saturday

2008-09-05T15:30:00.003-05:00

After a 5-0 start on Thursday and Friday, yours truly went 4-4 on games from Saturday through Monday to end the first week of the college football season with a 9-4 record vs. the spread. For the mathematically challenged among you, that means that if you bet $100 on each of my selections last week, you would have pocketed a cool $460.

Not bad work for a Labor Day weekend! Might even pay for the beer you drank.

But handicapping is like football in that it’s always about the next play. No use worrying about or celebrating the last one.

So, with that, I must say that I like this week’s board. I’ve got no less than seven selections (very possibly a record for me) for Saturday. So let’s go take a look!

(Games are listed chronologically and all times are Central. ... Oh! And the following information is for news matter only!)

Brigham Young (-9.5) at Washington, 2 p.m., Husky Stadium, Seattle, Wash. (FSN)

• Brigham Young defeated Northern Iowa, 41-17, last week and hosts UCLA next week.
• Washington lost at Oregon last week, 44-10, and hosts Oklahoma next week.

Life’s been tough lately for Ty Willingham and it doesn’t look to get better when the Cougars visit the Huskies Saturday afternoon. The Huskies managed only 10 second-quarter points and went down hard to an Oregon team that was playing most of the game with what amounted to its third-string quarterback. Even Washington’s dual threat QB Jake Locker struggled, completing less than half his passes (12 of 28) for just 103 yards.

Willingham’s team started 10 players that were either freshmen or sophomores. They managed only 242 yards total offense (just 95 rushing) and allowed the Quackers to rack up almost 500.

Now Brigham Young comes to Starbucks City. The Coogs have their sights set on being this year’s BCS buster. In its opener against Northern Iowa, QB Matt Hall and TE Dennis Pitta, both juniors, piled up some sick numbers. Hall, who threw for 3,848 yards last season, completed 31 of his 34 chucks for 486 yards against the Panthers. Pitta caught 11 passes for 213 yards --- that’s almost 20 yards a catch! And all this magic happens thanks to a line that features two Outland Trophy candidates in guard Ray Feinga and center Dallas Reynolds.

BYU’s only question is defense, where it returned only three starters from last year. Still, defensive end Jan Jorgensen and linebacker David Wilson are players and linebacker Vic So’oto shows signs of being the real deal after a move from tight end. Know, too, that of Northern Iowa’s 17 points, six came on a 76-yard pass play and six more on a fumble recovered for a TD.

The Cougars are so much better and have so much more to play for than the Huskies. I just don’t see this being close. Take visiting BYU and lay the points!

Akron at Syracuse (-5), 2:30 p.m., Carrier Dome, Syracuse, N.Y. (FSN Ohio)

• Akron lost last week at Wisconsin, 38-17, and hosts Ball State next week.
• Syracuse lost, 30-10, at Northwestern last week and hosts Penn State next week.

Akron’s Zips travel to Big East country on Saturday to tangle with what I expect to be a fairly horrible Syracuse team. At Northwestern last week, the ‘Cuse managed only 225 yards total offense while giving up 484 to the Wildcats. Meanwhile, Akron managed almost 300 yards total offense (297) against a much more powerful Wisconsin team. Zips quarterback Chris Jacquemain and wide receiver Derwyn Bowser both had nice outings. Jaquemain was 22 0f 36 passing for 227 yards and two touchdowns without an interception. Though he missed all of preseason due to injury, Bowser caught five passes for 76 yards. The Akron defensive backfield was stingy, allowing the Badgers only 75 yards through the air. But UW chewed up 404 on the ground. Still, the Orangemen lack the offensive line play and running prowess of a team like UW.

It’s also interesting that Akron catches the ‘Cuse between Northwestern and Penn State. Of course, with Greg Robinson’s 7-29 record, the Orangemen shouldn’t be looking ahead to anyone.

I think the underdog Zips win this one outright in the Dome. Perhaps even handily. … Take Akron and lay the five!

Oregon State Beavers at Penn State Nittany Lions (-15.5), 2:30 p.m., Beaver Stadium, University Park, Pa. (ABC)

• Last week, Oregon State lost to Stanford, 36-28; next week they host Hawai’i.
• Penn State defeated Coastal Carolina, 66-10, last week and will travel to play Syracuse next week.

More trouble at Penn State this week. A small amount of marijuana was found in the apartment of four Nittany Lions Tuesday night and three players have been suspended and another kicked off the team. Two of the players, defensive end Maurice Evans and defensive tackle Alex Koroma, are starters. The other suspended player, tight end Andrew Quarless, and the player removed from the team, cornerback Willie Harriott, were listed as second-stringers.

Even before this news, I really liked Oregon State in this spot. Now, if your man keeps it on the board, you have to love it. Teams can totally disintegrate around in-season incidents like this one. Or, granted, they can use it as a rallying point.

Regardless, the Nittanies lay 16.5 to a good Oregon State team this week. This is not Coastal Carolina. Sure, Oregon State lost to Stanford, but Stanford will win its share this year. And even in the loss Beaver quarterback Lyle Moevao passed for 404 yards, the bulk of it to two targets --- Shane Morales, who caught 13 passes for 151 yards, and Sammie Stroughter, who caught 12 for 157. Granted, heralded tailback Jacquizz nor his brother James ever got going on the ground, but they could against the Nits, who allowed 250 yards total offense to a supremely inferior opponent.

And remember: PSU QB Darryl Clark will be making his first start against a major college opponent. That could be good news for a talented and veteran Beaver secondary led by returning starters Brandon Hughes, a Thorpe and Lott trophy candidate at cornerback, cornerback Keenan Louis, a smart player whose been All-Pac 10 All-Academic for three years, and safety Al Afalava, an honorable-mention All Pac-10 selection last year who returns after being suspended for the Stanford game.

Folks, with all the turmoil at Penn State and getting those fat points, too, I’m going with the Beavers and the 15.5!

Air Force Falcons at Wyoming Cowboys (-3), 2:30 p.m., War Memorial Stadium, Laramie, Wyo. (CBS College Sports)

• Last week, Wyoming defeated Ohio, 21-20. Next week, it hosts North Dakota State.
• Last week, Air Force defeated Southern Utah, 41-7. Next week, it travels to the Houston Cougars.

This is really pretty simple for me. Both teams start first-year quarterbacks, Wyoming’s Dax Crum and Air Force’s Shea Smith. The difference is that this may as well be Smith’s opener, as Southern Utah was probably less competitive and athletic than what he faced in preseason scrimmages. That won’t be the case on Saturday.

Meanwhile, sophomore Crum got his baptism in a hard-fought win over a good opponent in Frank Solich’s Ohio Bobcats. He’ll be looking to exploit an Air Force secondary that returns only one starter from last season and he’s been tested.

Smith hasn’t. Throw in that junior defensive tackle and Rotary Lombardi Trophy candidate John Fletcher will have his sights set on Smith from the get-go in this revenge game (Air Force beat the Cowboys, 20-12, in Colorado Springs last year) and, well, I think Wyoming has a sizeable advantage. Lay the three and take the Cowboys to win by double digits!

South Florida Bulls (-14) at Central Florida Golden Knights, 6 p.m., Bright House Networks Stadium, Orlando, Fla. (ESPN2)

• South Florida defeated UT-Martin 56-7 last week. Next week, the Bulls host Kansas.
• Central Florida defeated South Carolina State 17-0 last week. Next week, the Golden Knights are idle.

While Central Florida struggled at home with South Carolina State, South Florida was busy blasting Tennessee-Martin 56-7. The competition is comparable.

South Florida comes in featuring a host of offensive weapons, including QB Matt Grothe, RB Mike Ford and talented receivers Taurus Johnson, Marcus Edwards and A.J. Love. That’s not to mention an experienced offensive line led by guards Zach Herman and Matt Huners and center Jake Griffin. And, of course, the Bulls feature All-Everything defensive end George Selvie anchoring a tough defense.

Meanwhile, UCF had to replace its starting quarterback from last year and, most importantly, no longer has RB Kevin Smith, who has taken his considerable talents to the NFL’s Detroit Lions. Defensively, the have a star cornerback in Joe Burnett and a stellar group of linebackers in Derrick Hallman, Chance Henderson and Corey Hogue. But, without offensive firepower --- and they certainly lacked it against SC State --- they’ll be hard pressed to stay with USF’s Grothe-Ford-fueled juggernaut.

And, remember, USF dismantled the Knights 64-12 last year. When Kevin Smith was still in Orlando. Matt Grothe outrushed him, 100 yards to 55.

Take USF and lay the 14!

Miami Hurricanes at Florida Gators (-22), 7 p.m., Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, Gainesville, Fla. (ESPN)

• Miami defeated Charleston Southern 52-7 last week. Next week, the Hurricanes are idle.
• Florida defeated Hawai’i 56-10 last week. Next week, the Gators are idle.

Candy from a baby.

Think Florida won’t be ready after having lost six straight to the Hurricanes? Think that Tim Tebow and Percy Harvin and an experienced Gator offensive line might be salivating at the thought of ending that streak? Think the fact that this is a recruiting game might make Urban Meyer a little more likely to keep his foot on the accelerator? Think the Gator defense may pin its ears back and go after ‘Canes QB Robert Marve, who has never thrown a pass in a collegiate contest? Think that, despite 472 yards in total offense vs. Charleston Southern, Saturday’s game represents quite the step up in class for the U? Think an improved Florida defense might see Saturday as its first chance to really show its mettle? Think that Randy Shannon will wish by the end of the day this game had not been scheduled?

Oh, this is gonna be hoomillyatin’ for the Hurricanes!

So play this one large. And play the Gators and lay the 22!

Texas Tech Red Raiders (-10) at Nevada Wolfpack, 8:05 p.m., Mackay Stadium, Reno, Nev. (No TV)

• Last week, Texas Tech defeated Eastern Washington, 49-24. Next week, the Red Raiders host SMU.
• Last week, Nevada defeated Grambling, 49-13. Next week, the Wolf Pack travels to Missouri.

Ever heard of Grambling quarterback Greg Dillon? Neither have I.

Now, ever heard of Texas Tech quarterback Graham Harrell? Yeah, me, too. And he must be licking his chops.

Last week, Grambling’s Dillon completed 13 of 25 passes for 225 yards against Nevada. Last week, Graham Harrell threw the ball 58 times.

Do your own extrapolatin’.

While the Wolf Pack do return eight on offense, including a number of skill-position players led by quarterback Colin Kaepernick, they return only five on defense, only one in the secondary.

The word on the street is that the Tech defense, which has been prone in the past to force its offense to win in shootouts, is better. And with defensive linemen McKinner Dixon and Brandon Sesay, linebackers Brian Duncan, Marlon Williams and Bront Bird and defensive backs Jamar Wall and Darcel McBath leading the charge, it should be good enough to keep Nevada’s fabled Pistol offense reasonably cool.

I like the Red Raiders in a rout. Take Texas Tech and lay the 10!

That’s it for me! Good luck on ya!

Live blogging South Carolina at Vandy

2008-09-04T19:29:00.021-05:00

I think this is a fairly intriguing matchup. And I've said for a while that all Chris Nickson needs is a good outing that brings confidence.

As we near kickoff, Lou Holtz just claimed that the SCocks have the best defense in the SEC.

I know some Tigers in east Alabama that would beg to differ.

I would, too. The N.C. State team South Carolina played last week is horrible.

Kickoff is approaching.

I'm not certain enough to bet my man a coke, but I think the 'Dores keep this one within the number.
* * *
The Ol' Ball Coach does not mention Stephen Garcia in his comments to Erin Andrews.

Can you say "doghouse"?
* * *
Nice looking Vandy drive stalls. Looked like they'd flipped the field. But, alas, poor punt.
* * *
Slobberknockin' defense causes a Vandy fumble deep in their own territory. As would be expected, the SCocks turn to Weapon A (Mike Davis) and Weapon B (Kenny McKinley). But Vandy sacks Smelley on second down and forces an SCocks timeout.

After the false start penalty, McKinley looked well-covered, but caught the TD pass anyway.

Meanwhile, doesn't Bobby Johnson look a little like Steve Martin?
* * *
Oh, boy! Vandy has to punt, but plays good D against the SCocks and then intercepts and returns into Carolina territory. Jasper "Great Linebacker But Stone Hands" Brinkley misses a sure interception, but Vandy's penalized.
* * *
This Pepper kid for SCocks can play. Still, even after the kick-catch interference penalty, Vandy flipped the field. And the first quarter ends with the SCocks leading, 7-0.
* * *
Looked like the SCocks were ready to take over the game, huh? Interception #6! Commodores deep in SCock territory! Let's see what they do!
* * *
Vandy drive stalls inside the 10 and 'Dores are forced to kick a field goal. 7-3. Here's the key for Vandy: Don't let the SCocks score before the half. If they don't, the second half could be very interesting.
* * *
On its last possession of the second half, the SCocks run up against a tough Vandy D. But the manage the Ryan Succop (pronounced SUCKUP) field goal and take a 10-3 lead at half.

To my mind, Vandy is still alive. But we'll see.
* * *
All of a sudden my home is like Grand Central Station. But I did manage to see Vandy get a first down and Nickson gain some serious yardage on first down. Incomplete pass on second that should have been caught and been a second consecutive first.
* * *
Wow! Vandy recovers fumbled punt at SCocks 31. Can they convert to points?
* * *
Right out of the Spurrier playbook. Get the turnover, go for the jugular. Nickson hits his tight end Barton for 30 and six! PAT's good and we've a brand new ball game!

AND great coverage on the ensuing kick!
* * *
Wow! It looked like Davis was short of the first but got a good spot. I think Vandy got ripped there.
* * *
The Mike Davis Show gets pre-empted on third down and then the 'Dores block a punt.

Is it Vandy's night?
* * *
Did Sean Walker abuse Captain Munnerlyn on that reverse or what? Chris Nickson does the honors and Vandy leads, 17-10.
* * *
Vandy wins

Take that, Ol' Ball Coach!
* * *

A shout out to Brundidge!

2008-09-03T18:52:00.004-05:00

Chris Nickson, the pride of Brundidge and of Pike County High School, finally gets some props this week. Nickson was named SEC Offensive Player of the Week after running for a career-high 166 yards and passing for 91 more in Vandy's season-opening 34-13 win at Miami, Ohio.

Pike County High has long been a hotbed of high school football and Nickson is among the best players it has produced. And Nickson's a good and smart kid, too (Duh! He's at Vandy!).

War Damn congratulates Chris and his hometown and wishes him the best as the 'Dores host the Ol' Ball Coach and the SCocks on Thursday night.

Meanwhile, Alabama swept offensive and defensive linemen of the week honors with Mike Johnson taking OL honors and freshman Terrence Cody the weekly award for defensive lineman.

Rumors that Kodi Burns and Chris Todd split SEC QB of the Week honors have proven unfounded.

An open letter to Sports Illustrated: Bama's back ... again!

2008-09-02T21:17:00.003-05:00

Dear Sports Illustrated,

Thank you for the cover featured above. We appreciate your continued and diligent efforts to hex our rival. After all, every Auburn fan, to the man, remembers the last time you ballyhooed Bama on your cover. We can only hope that the effect of the above cover will be the same.

Yet we are somewhat surprised at your willingness to go so pro-Bama at this particular time. Do you not know that the Rev. High Priest Head Coach of Bama Footballdom Nick Saban says that Saturday night's thwarting of Clemson, however impressive --- and it was impressive --- was just one game? That the 24-Hour Rule was implemented and that said 24 hours has expired? That attention must, according to the Rev. High Priest Head Coach of Bama Footballdom, be turned immediately to Tulane and away from Clemson?

In short, you should tremble in fear. For when you run afoul of the Rev. High Priest Head Coach of Bama Footballdom, you can expect appropriate retribution. I'm guessing that, in a press conference where he lays his sights squarely on your writer, Austin Murphy, he'll compare your cover to "Dewey defeats Truman" or all those cover stories you guys did on Detroit Tigers Mark "The Bird" Fidrych. And, likely most emphatically, he'll draw parallels to George Plimpton's piece on Buddhist pitcher Sidd Finch and his 168 mph fastball.

I would suggest Mr. Murphy steer clear of the Rev. High Priest Head Coach's press conferences for the remainder of the year. In the case of a Bama loss, I would suggest he vacate the Central time zone --- perhaps the country.

Meanwhile, I think I speak for all Auburn fans when I say thank you!

Sincerely,

DG

Pretty Boy's back!

2008-09-01T22:59:00.002-05:00

Pretty Boy's back!

And is there anyone that is less enamored of his return than Pete Carroll?

Rick Neuheisel made quite an impressive return to the college football scene tonight as his pale blue Bears beat Tennessee 27-24 in overtime.

And while that's not good news for Uncle Pete and his Trojan juggernaut, it is good news for the rest of the college football world.

College football needs a more even split between USC and UCLA of the best players in California.

If Neuheisel can continue to work his magic, expect that to happen.

Say what you will about the baby-faced UCLA head man, but he matches Carroll's charisma and, with Norm Chow and DeWayne Walker as his coordinators, he can match his Xs and Os. And, in all honesty, UCLA discovered quite the gritty QB tonight in Kevin Craft. His second-half performance was very, very good.

There's definitely a new vibe in college football in LA.

It can only serve to put a damper on a USC program that has outrecruited every other program in America over the last five years.

And that's a good thing.

Orange hurricane to make landfall in Pasadena

2008-09-01T11:11:00.003-05:00

So let's recap.

Three-and-0 sweep on Thursday.

Two-and-0 sweep of Friday.

Two-and-3 disappointment on Saturday.

Two-and-0 sweep on Sunday.

Currently, yours truly is 9-3 on his selections --- a solid 75 percent --- as we put the cap on Week 1 on Monday.

I'm gonna pass on Fresno State-Rutgers and go only with the headliner today.

Let's do it!

Tennessee (-7.5) at UCLA, 7 p.m., Rose Bowl, Pasadena, Calif. (ABC): In a truly intersectional game, the SEC gets an opportunity to further prove its dominance of the college football world.

It will.

Rick Neuheisel will likely prove an eventual success at UCLA. He has a pair of exceptional coordinators in DC DeWayne Walker and, especially, OC Norm Chow. He's back at his alma mater and has shown ability as a head man.

But Neuheisel inherits a mess. His team features only nine returning starters (four on offense, five on defense) from last year's 6-7 squad. There's good talent in spots, witness senior defensive tackle Brigham Harwell and RB Khalil Bell. But Neuheisel must start a QB, Kevin Craft, that's seen only light action as a freshman and sophomore at San Diego State.

Despite Tennessee's overall record of 3-9-1 in the Pacific time zone, UCLA just doesn't have the weapons to compete with a Tennessee team that features All-SEC RB Arian Foster, an offensive line that returns intact after allowing the fewest sacks-per-game in the country last year, all-everything safety Eric Berry, and numerous other stars and weapons.

I really have no idea why the oddsmakers have this line so small. It feels a bit like a sucker bet, but, if that's the case, call me a sucker! I'm taking Tennessee and laying the points!

Good luck on ya! Don't blame me!

SUNDAY: 2-0
YTD: 9-3

Sunday's college picks: Let's play two!

2008-08-31T13:01:00.004-05:00

After beginning the year with five consecutive winning selections, yesterday's 2-3 mark was a bit disappointing. But it wasn't disastrous and, with two rare Sunday games today, I've a chance to get two of those losses back quickly. Again, I'm a bit pressed for time today, so there won't be lengthy write-ups.

So, here's what we've got:

Kentucky at Louisville (-3): Some say this season will see marked improvement in Louisville and noticable decline in Kentucky. Not sure I buy that. Despite Andre Woodson's departure, the 'Cats still have some offensive weapons in WR Dicky Lyons Jr. and RB Tony Dixon. Of course, Louisville can score, too, as senior QB Hunter Cantwell finally takes over the reigns. The difference is defense. Kentucky has one. Louisville has yet to prove that they do. I'm taking the SEC Club --- Kentucky --- and the points.

Colorado (-11.5) at Colorado State: I just can't see this one being as close as last year's overtime shootout in Boulder. Colorado's squad is more experienced than it was in 2007 and the Buffs signed an impressive class in the offseason, led by running back Darrell Scott out of California. I'm gonna lay the 11.5 and go with Ralphie.

YESTERDAY: 2-3
SEASON TO DATE: 7-3

Good luck on ya! Don't blame me!

The War Damn Review: Auburn 34, Louisiana-Monroe 0

2008-08-31T00:59:00.005-05:00

There was a lot of excitement in Auburn today.

Much of it centered on a hunger to see Auburn's new fast-paced spread offense. Yes, we got a taste in last year's bowl game vs. Clemson, but today was our chance to see it after almost a year of its installation.

Or not.

It seemed that Auburn began the game in a full-bore spread. But the passing game was completely ineffective. So Auburn kept the fast-paced tempo, but turned largely to its running game and defense --- the best Auburn defense ever? --- to dismiss Lousiana-Monroe 34-0.

So what did we learn? Not much, but there were a few things:

1. The 2008 Auburn defense is very good. Marks, Goggans, Blackmon, Johnson, Powers, Thorpe, Bynes, etc., are stellar. Kudos to Paul Rhoads.

2. [PREDICTION ALERT] Southern Miss will not score vs. Auburn.

3. I'm convinced now. Ben Tate is Auburn's best running back. Unless it's Eric Smith.

4. Of the freshmen, two stood out: Smith and Nieko Thorpe can play!

5. Kodi Burns leads the Auburn quarterback race. Notice that I didn't say he should be Auburn's quarterback. I'm not sure we'll be able to comfortably answer that one until after the Mississippi State game.

Overall, I have some concerns about the offense. I have none about the defense. But an easy 34-0 win over good Sunbelt team is nothing to sneeze at. Nor should letters be written home.

Here's hoping we know more after next week.

The ACC: Already Choked Conference

2008-08-31T00:48:00.002-05:00

East Carolina 27, Virginia Tech 22.
USC 52, Virginia 7.
Alabama 34, Clemson 10.

RIP, ACC.

Cah-ruisin' at 5-0!

2008-08-29T23:17:00.003-05:00

Yep.

Five and oh.

Love those hooters!

Owls, that is, both Temple and Rice!

So here are the picks for Saturday. It's late and I've got to get up early and head to a certain college football town, so there are no write-ups.

Guess you'll just have to trust me!

Here are Saturday's picks:

Ohio at Wyoming (-12.5): Take Ohio and the points ... LARGE!
Washington at Oregon (-13.5): Take Oregon and lay the points!
Mississippi State (-7.5) at Louisiana Tech: Take Mississippi State and lay 'em!
Hawaii at Florida (-34.5): Number's too big. Take Hawaii and the points.
Florida Atlantic at Texas (-23.5): Florida Atlantic's pretty good. I'll take FAU and the 23.5.

Good luck on ya! Don't blame me!

3-0 and Owly all over!

2008-08-29T13:56:00.005-05:00

You all may not know this about me, but I'm actually quite an emotional guy. So, last night, when the horn sounded the end of the SCocks 34-0 throttlin' (in the second half, anyway) of NC State and I felt that warm wave of your collective gratitude pass through me, I was deeply moved.

So moved that I, in fact, wept!

Then I remembered what Tom Hanks once told me: "There's no crying in handicapping!"

So I dried those sissified tears, unduly chastised myself and realized I was acting like a girly man. So, do me a favor: No more collective waves of warmth, okay?

Anyhow, yes, I did hit on all three selections last night as Turner Gill proved that he is indeed the bastard son of Tom Osborne, Troy realized there was life A.T. (After Tony)and the SCocks found out that Tom Beecher is not an SEC quarterback, but Chris Smelley might be.

But that was last night. That trophy's in the case.

So, what about tonight?

Let's just say I expect a whole lotta hootin'! I like the Owls and the Owls.

Temple at Army, 6 p.m., Michie Stadium, West Point, N.Y. (ESPN Classic): I'll be brief.

Army doesn't not suck. In fact, the Cadets suck fairly loudly. They return only 11 starters from a bad team.

Temple, under Al Golden, appears to be on the bounceback. Sure, the Owls won only four last year, but consider that starting QB Adam DiMichele (who is back) missed the team's last five games. He has two nice targets in Bruce Francis and Dy'onne "I put that apostrophe randomly in the middle of my name just to piss you all off" Crudup. Jason Harper is a capable runner and nosetackle Andre Neblett anchors a defense that was the best in the MAC last year.

Finally, Temple wants revenge for a 37-21 loss to Army last season. They get it. Easily. So don't be shy! Take Temple -7 and lay down a healthy bundle.

SMU at Rice (-3.5), 7 p.m., Rice Stadium, Houston, Texas (ESPN): One thing I know for certain about this one: As I watch it tonight, June Jones is gonna look awful weird stalking the sidelines sans loud Hawaiian shirt and lei. Still, June got to chuck all the gimmicky Hawaiian stuff and $2 mil a year to boot. Hell. I would have left Honolulu, too. Can't surf anyway.

I respect Jones as a coach. I expect him to make great strides at SMU. I don't expect a lot this year. He'll start a true freshman at quarterback, either Bo Levi Mitchell (Now that's a Texas name, huh?) or Braden Smith. In truth, he returns about 10 starters and the Mustangs' two-deep includes 13 true freshman. The offensive line play must improve. The defense was horrendous last year, giving up more than 500 yards a game.

Rice won only three last year (to SMU's one), but it does return 16 starters, including a fine pass-catch combination in quarterback Chase Clement and wideout Jarrett Dillard. James Casey is also explosive (and a fine student, too) and, though he'll start at the Y receiver, they'll use him all over the field. The Rice D, like SMU, struggled last year. The difference in these two teams is experience (Advantage Rice) and offensive potential (Advantage Rice). Throw in that Rice is also the home team and I like it. Don't mortgage your house, but the Owls are worth a unit or two. Take Rice and lay the 3.5.

So, to sum up, give a hoot and take the loot!

RECORD TO DATE: 3-0
WINNINGS TO DATE: $300 (based on a $100 wager per game and 10 percent juice.)

Good luck on ya! Don't blame me!

Is that a hat or a Stabler-sized stadium cup?

2008-08-28T12:43:00.006-05:00

Remember that God-awful inflatable hat the Tahd Nation rolled onto the Bryant-Denney turf at halftime of AU's 9-0 win in Tuscaloosa in 2000?

I never thought I'd see anything to top that.

This does.

And, soon, it'll top the stadium!

Folks, you couldn't make up this stuff!

Three Thursday winners!

2008-08-28T08:26:00.010-05:00

In the immortal words of Rod Stewart, "Tonight's the night!"

Yes, I know Barack Obama accepts the Democratic Party's nomination for president tonight, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that oblong leather ball that college men pitch to and fro --- knocking each other senseless all the while --- for the glory of their alma maters.

It's college freakin' football, friends, and tonight it gets going for real!

And what's college football, really, unless you wager a buck or two? So, having developed a reputation as being reasonably knowledgeable with regard to college football and the so-called "line", I'll be here over the course of the year as your tour guide to new-found riches.

Or not.

And, of course and as always, the following information is for news matter only.

I've got three games I like tonight:

UTEP at Buffalo (-3), 6 p.m., University of Buffalo Stadium, Buffalo, N.Y.: A couple of teams coached by guys with names better-known than their football programs get the party started tonight in upstate New York when Mike "It's Rollin', Baby!" Price brings his UTEP Miners to visit Turner "Tom Osborne's Love Child" Gill and Buffalo. I like the home-standing Bulls in this spot for a variety of reasons, including that it's a long trip from El Paso to Buffalo. Plus, UB returns 18 starters, including 10 on an offense led by QB Drew Willy, who, with his first pass completion tonight, will become UB's all-time career leader in that category --- not that that's any real great accomplishment. Still, the Bulls rebounded from a 1-4 start last year to finish 5-7 while Mike Price --- though he has weathered his date with Destinee in a Pensacola, Fla., strip club and, on the whole, improved the Miners' football fortunes --- saw his team collapse, losing its last six games after starting the year 4-2. Two teams headed in opposite directions. The team on its way up is the home team hosting an opponent from far away. It's a small number. Take the Bulls and lay the three.

Troy (-6.5) at Middle Tennessee, 6:30 p.m., Johnny "Red" Floyd Stadium, Murfreesboro, Tenn.: Yeah, yeah, I know. Troy lost a lot of really fine offensive players and, more importantly, its hotshot offensive coordinator, Tony Franklin, took his fast-paced spread to the bigger stage in Auburn. Doesn't matter. Neal Brown, the Trojans' new OC, studied at Franklin's knee and should be more than capable of keeping the Trojans' schemes intact and effective. Plus, the offensive line returns en masse and Troy has never had a dearth of quality athletes. Meanwhile, to put it as simply as possible, Rick Stockstill's MTSU squad doesn't not suck (Well, maybe I could have put it a little more simply!). Take Troy and lay the 6.5. One note: Keep your eye on Troy's Jerrell Jernigan tonight. He's a potential star.

North Carolina State at South Carolina (-14), 7 p.m., Williams-Brice Stadium, Columbia, S.C.: Pity the poor Wolfpack. The Ol' Ball Coach has had months to work on a gameplan and the visitors return only 10 starters from last year's 5-7 squad. Both teams start rookie quarterbacks --- SC's Tom Beecher and NC State's Russell Wilson --- but that's where the similarities end. The Pack has no equivalent to SC's MLB Jasper Brinkley or Gamecock wideout Kenny McKinley, both players that can take over a game on their respective sides of the ball. I don't expect this to be close. Take South Carolina and lay the 14. And don't be a cheap-ass schmuck! Play it large!

Good luck on ya. Don't blame me!

Isn't this special?

2008-08-27T13:24:00.003-05:00

Football and ... haiku? Only the Tahd Nation!

"As long as we have Jimmy Johns ..."

2008-08-27T13:09:00.004-05:00

Bourbon in a ziplock bag

2008-08-27T12:22:00.005-05:00

It's almost here.

A new college football season --- the 2008 model --- kicks off tomorrow night. The anticipation is palpable and I wonder what wonders the new season might bring.

Vivid memories of college --- and, in particular, Auburn --- football date back 40 years or so now. Granted, there are a few foggy frames in the cerebral footage. Many of them clouded by bourbon in a ziplock bag.

It was the early 1980s. I was a college kid at AU. Smuggling liquor into the game was required. We were always open to new and better ways to hide our hooch. So a good friend of mine, one Tony Nafe, said he'd heard that some folks poured their liquor in a ziplock bag and stuffed it in their pants.

"Great, Tony! Give that a whirl and let us know how it turns out!"

He did.

Mississippi State at Auburn. Homecoming 1981. Pat Dye's first Auburn squad entered 3-3 and everyone thought we could take the Bulldogs.

But first we had to take the bourbon. For that, we turned to Tony and his new Ziplock Method.

Not the greatest decision we ever made (And, believe me, our crew --- Weeks, O, Nafe, Copenhaver and me --- made some bad ones back in the day!). I know that people still use ziplocks for gameday smuggling, but I must assume that there have been technological improvements in the zipping locks. For on this slightly rainy Saturday, I'll never forget hearing Tony's violent burst of expletives as the bag burst and his pants soaked up more bourbon than a Lynchburg cask.

At halftime, we tried to get Tony to wring his pants out to spike our Cokes.

He respectfully declined.

So we had to watch the second half of AU's 21-17 loss to State stone-cold sober.

Ah, the memories!

Let's kick this mofo OFF!